Blocked

I had a weird dream last night. I was at your house, in some room watching someone I knew in college being extra cute with their kid. Snap after snap. I was waiting to see if you were driving us to go get a gift or if I was going home. I was tired of waiting for you, tired of not getting a response, so I left and headed to your room for an answer. But it wasn’t your room. I walked in on my old roommate from college preparing wedding centerpieces. In an embarrassment she confessed to me that she was getting married and introduced me to her fiance who was sitting just behind the swung open door. Frustrated I explained the situation to her and more importantly, how nothing had changed.

Maybe that is the point, nothing has changed.

You have been intruding on my thoughts lately… for the past few months. I have been toying with the idea of letting down my guard a bit, wondering what might happen. Would you even care? Or would you instantly take it as a welcome sign to engage in some kind of contact? Are you mad at me or could you give two fucks?

I have been trying to make sense of what everything meant, at one point wondering if my mom saw you as the good guy and Kevin as the bad one, because Kevin supported my decision to make a mountainous change. But mostly I have wondered if it means that those blocks should be removed. 

Nothing has changed. I am confident that was the message my dream was trying to let me know. That you have not changed. Even if you were not immediately drawn to reach out, if and when you did, any type of relationship would be self-centered, one sided and frustrating. It would mean tabling things for you to disappoint. So why even bother? Mostly because I don’t put all my stock in what dreams may mean and I am damn sure curious.

But here is the other thing. I don’t know if I am ready. I know that I am nervous about running into people who were once my friend, but chose you. I know I am worried about what terrible things you told people about me. I know that I don’t want to be your friend, I just want to know how badly you’d like to be mine. 

Maybe that there, maybe that is my answer.  No those blocks should not come down because even four years later, I am not ready for what that might mean.

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